Who is cooler, Megatron or Starscream?

I've thought about this since I was a kid.  In Transformers you had many great villains, Soundwave, Devastator, Unicron, but honestly none of them can touch Megatron and Starscream.  Megatron is just so bad ass, the ultimate alpha male in the room.  Starscream is the schemer, the Loki of the Transformers.  While I always thought that Megatron was hands down awesome, my heart always belonged to Starscream. Thoughts?

TWYF'ers: Request for momment of silence.

I can say that in terms of celebrity news, nothing has really stopped me in my tracks and halted my life. This weekend it happened twice.

I'll always remember some key historic events that I'll flash back to where I was exactly.

• 1994 Rangers winning the Cup. (At home watching it on television when our family first got cable through legal means.)
• 1996 Yankees winning World Series (At my good friend's house watching the game)
  
• World Trade Center. (Waking up in Buffalo in my dorm room.)
  
• Gary Coleman's passing. (Sitting in front of my computer at work with my co-worker not understanding why I'm terribly upset.)

From the "Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis" to his remarkable cameo performance on a Simspons' Christmas episode and finally to his last film 'Midgets versus Mascots' where he knocks out Scottie Pippen with a telephone, Gary has provided me countless of hours of sheer entertainment. I can affirm that Gary's gotten me through life with more smiles where I would otherwise be an unhappy void.

And then Dennis Hopper passes! I was in bed on a Sunday morning checking my facebook when I read a post from a friend in Ireland. Perhaps a top 5 to 10 movie villain for me. What a shame. I think him and Gary could have made a dynamic villain team, perhaps the next Starsky and Hutch-esque characters but evil.

RIP (to the tune of Sarah McLaughlan's 'I Will Remember You.')

I hope you all enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Remember the troops, remember Gary and Dennis. Don't forget to spay or neuter your pets. And most of all GO 'MERICA!"

'scuse Me Flo, What's the Soup Du Jour?

Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

BackAcne Baseball

From: I to the C, GM Back Acne Baseball Club
Sent: Wednesday, 27 May 2010; 10:33PM
To: Jerry Doe, Owner and CEO Back Acne Baseball Club
Subject: RE: Final Team Roster



Jerry,
Per your instructions, I've developed a 'no lose' line up for our new baseball team, the Back Acnes. I'm happy to announce that our entire team is comprised of proven players that have been named in the Mitchell Report so we're guaranteed nothing but success when we take the field. Below is the roster for your review:

Starting Line up

SS Miguel Tejada

3B Matt Williams

RF Gary Sheffield

LF Barry Bonds

DH Jose Canseco

CF Lenny Dykstra

1B Jason Giambi

2B Fernando Vina

C Benito Santiago

Bench

IF Chuck Knoblauch

OF David Justice

IF/OF Jerry Hairston, Jr.

Starting Rotation

Roger Clemens

Kevin Brown

Denny Neagel

Mark Lansing

Hal Morris

Relief Pitchers

Mike Stanton

John Rocker

Paul Byrd

Jason Grimsley

Ryan Franklin

Eric Gagne

I know what you're thinking. Where's the speed? Let me assure you, we make it up in sheer power and overall mood swings. It is by far one of the greatest teams ever assembled and we can count on hoisting the trophy at the end of the year. Keep in mind that by taking steroids, these players have forfeited the right not to be ragged on relentlessly. (It's understandable since half these players don't really have necks.) But man, what an unbeatable team! I'm thinking 162-0 for the season. Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks,
I to the C.

Oh, can you please let me know which country we'll be playing in. (I'll need to provide a proper mailing address for the BALCO company.) Please keep in mind that we won't be able to play in the US due to their rules...

-----------------------------
From: Jerry Doe, Owner and CEO Back Acne Baseball Club
Sent: Wednesday, 27 May 2010; 2:01PM
To: I to the C, GM Back Acne Baseball Club
Subject: Final Team Roster
Send me your final roster NOW.
Regards,
Jerry

Temple of Doom in 25 words...

Club Obi-Wan. Asian gangsters. No more parachutes! The dark light. Pankot palace. Chilled monkey brains. Hearts ripped out. Indy frees kids. Indy kills Mola Ram. Credits.

On the Lost Finale...

Gee, thanks LOST for devoting nearly half of your two and a half hour series finale on a mystery that was manufactured only at the beginning of this season - and leaving all the the red herrings from seasons past completely unresolved. Here are some of my other grievances.

So what exactly was island? What was its purpose and why was it able to travel through time?

Something to do with electromagnetism I guess.

So Kate professes her love for Jack after years of being a total c*nt to him and just being useless in general. Isn't that just a little too convenient so she could be Jack's constant?

 Bai Ling probably had scheduling conflicts.

Some people were suspiciously absent from the church at the end. Where was Michael and Walt? Mr. Ecko? Faraday and the redhead? Miles and his dad? Richard? Even Ben was invited. What gives?

Obviously, François Chau commands a sizable paycheck.

Yeah, That's About Right...

Why your life is better than everybody else's.

Yes, we've all gone through it. At some given point in life, we've all felt like shit and despite how hard you try, seems like nothing can go right. Rest assure, you're fine and things will pick up. Until you can personally and intimately identify with the following folks, know that you've yet to earn the right to claim that your life has hit rock-bottom. These folks have it hard.

Chief Clancy Wiggum.

He attained the rank of Police Commissioner by being handed a badge by a complete stranger (and once again by Homer Simpson); responsible for the leadership of 2 incompetent nitwit officers. Professionally, through Chief Wiggum's jagged and controversial views on law enforcement, he cannot seem to detain the town's only repeat criminal for more than 2 hours. His personal life is not that much better. Clancy retires after work to Sarah Wiggum, his (unconfirmed but come on...) wife-sister, and his only child's who's future involves chasing his own fictitious tail in a padded cell. Although Clancy seems to have accepted his pending fate, I would not want to live his life.


Steven Rhodes.

This man endured the charisma and downright bully-ish nature of male sitcom super-star Al Bundy only to go home to a bossy and physically repulsive Marcy at night. Steve abandoned his vicious cycle lifestyle and become a federal fugitive for stealing the egg of an endangered bird which led to his subsequent arrest, only to become a limo driving lackey. I'm sure none of our lives are as bad as Steve's.


Someone without access to regular television.
How else would you compare how much better your life is to?


Joey Grecco.
The guy that hosts and instigates all the marital peep show we call "Cheaters." At first glance, it's probably a pretty cool job. He's got a team of 'investigators,' instigates fights between fledgling partners but at the end of the day Joey probably got his face punched in a few times, is not going home with any of the girls, and probably gets all kinds of threatening calls from those him and his team were investigating. All this to start all over again in the morning. No thank you, sir.


Anyone professionally or emotionally attached to the Chicago Cubs.
Sorry you will never win. So long as this picture exists on the internet, you will never win. Never.

Hope this brings a bit of therapy to every reader's lives. Cheers.

5 best and worst characters from Lost

Worst:

5) John Locke: What a fucking idiot.  This man was a loser his whole life and got suckered into thinking he had some kind of purpose. Almost every decision he ever made led to something bad happening. "Boone, go check out that plane!" "Let's look down this hatch!" "Let's hide at the Others complex, we'll be safe there." What an asshole.

4) Nikki and Paolo: Never try and introduce new characters and then try an make believe they were always there.  Actress stripper, murder mystery involving diamonds? Nope, not buying it.

3) Kate: I hate this woman. All she does is bitch and get herself into trouble.  She keeps two different men on a hook and gets them into to trouble.  Kate never listens to what she's told to do. Bah, everyone that gets close to her ends up hurt. Also, she steals other peoples kids! I could forgive all that if she wasn't such a bore, she's just so boring.

2) Boone and Shannon: Siblings who slept together.

1) Anna Lucia: Oooooh! I'm a tough cop who doesn't need anyone.  I kill innocent people, I'm tortured but I try to act hot.  I like Jack but I slept with Sawyer. I took a bribe from Hurely. I'm a very annoying character who has a talent for pissing people off. Anna Lucia, I just don't like you.


Best:

John Locke: Possibly even more than Jack this man was the driving force of the show.  His sense of belief propelled the stories to where they needed to be.  No one can express the pure range of emotions that John Locke can.  His is the classic tragic tale, a man trying to make sense of his life and trying to do the right thing.

4) Hugo Reyes: Is there any more likable character on TV that Hurley?  Throughout 6 seasons Hurley reminded us to laugh even in the darkest of times.  His time travel debate with Miles is one of the high points of the series.

3) Benjamin Linus: Everyone loves the bad guy.  Here is someone who should be a nerd, but is one of the most dangerous people on the show. He killed John Locke! Forget the Man in Black, Lost's ultimate villian is Ben Linus.

2) Sawyer: Everyone loves the scoundrel because you always are rooting for them to be better than they are.  James Ford grew from a con man to a leader, but he was always the man with a plan.  He slept with four cast regulars and is a cop in the alternate reality.  His nick names are fun and he curses a lot, honestly what more do you need?

I to the C's "World's Greatest Cinema Villains Award"

(**Bear in mind that one of American's inalienable right is to always be depicted as the good guy. Always. Period.**)

This crazy world has lots of villains. Al Qaeda, Latin American Drug Cartels, Country Music, the Boston Red Sox. But let's face it, the Nazis probably hold the cinematic record of being the bad guy. Why? (Apologies in advance, going to turn historical geeky for a moment before going movie geeky.) Well, they didn't help their own cause by initiating and glorifying the most unforgivable acts the world has ever seen:

• Forced invasions and annexation of sovereign countries.
  
• Genocide.
  
• Devastation of whole cities.
  
• Gruesome human experimentation.
• Brainwashing an entire country.
  
• Backstabbing and turn-coating of their own allies.

Result? We will take the 'to the winner goes the spoils' mantra and by losing World War II, you have forever surrendered every right to be the good guy in movies.

On a different perspective, photographs of popular Nazis didn't really help them out much either. They all either dressed, talked, or have similar physical characteristics of our good friend Colonel Klink. In fact, I think the monocle is a prerequisite of both the real life 1930's to 1940's Nazi leadership and all theatrical Nazis. Take a look at the above photo. Who can blame global cinema industry for making them our eternal villains? Even if we pitted the Taliban against the Nazis in a fictitious cinematic war, I think we'd cheer against the Nazis. (Movie idea?)

Breaking the "World's Greatest Cinema Villains Award" down further, for the 'best of the best' I nominate Colonel Vogel of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. He exemplified the true nature of the cinema Nazi. From being a lackey to an sniveling American, slapping Dr. Jones with a leather glove, to utilizing a scepter to gain attention of newspaper reading blimp passengers, COL Vogel had it all. That and he maintained all the physical resemblances to COL Klink.

It's hard to say when the Nazis will relinquish this award. I'll go on limb to say never.

Cheers.

TIWYF's Newest Contributor: I to the C

His name's I to the C,
And he rocked St. Louie.
He's half Joe Camel,

And a third Fonzarelli.
He's the kung fu hippie,
From gangsta city.
He's a rappin' surfer,
You're the fool he pities.

 You're welcome, bitches.

Wrath of Khan in 25 words.

Title sequence. Kobayashi Maryu. Kirstie Alley. Reliant finds Khan. Enterprise fights Reliant. Khaaaannnnnnnnnn! Kirk has a son. Khan's deformed. Spock dies. Voiceover by dead Spock.

You don't have to be crazy to play right field for the Yankees, but it helps.

Seriously, have you seen these mother fuckers? I would not want to run into some of them in a dark alley, but I would like to party with some of them.

Dustin Pedroia: Douchey Boston 2nd Baseman or Herald of The Impending Zombie Apocalypse?

You decide!

PS Go Yanks!

If you like to wear purple and/or green...

Chances are you're a super villain.

5 Pieces of Advice from Det. Alonzo Harris That We Can All Live By

Yoda, Mr. Miyagi, the crazy midget lady from Poltergeist. These wise sages have managed to infiltrate our daily lives with their deeply philosophical anecdotes. Here then, I humbly submit for your approval: Detective Alonzo Harris from the movie Training Day, and his Buddha-esque insights. No other corrupt LA cop has said so much using so few words. Here are 5 haiku-like quotes that have profound everyday applications:

"It behooves you not to dick around on this one."
Take this list seriously! In fact, it should probably replace the 10 Commandments.
"You got mad squabbles boy! I saw you put on that choke hold."
Because sometimes you'll have to cheat to win, even more so if you're dumb enough to pick a fight.
"The shit's chess, it ain't checkers!"
Who among us has never found themselves in way over our heads? These six little words perfectly summarizes this predicament and what must be done to overcome it.
"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home?"
This pretty much explains itself. Better yet, as soon as you see a police officer, immediately run in the other direction. When they finally taze you down, slap cuffs on you and ask why you ran in the first place, just claim that you were "scared."
"You made the decision. Live with your decision. Ain't like I put a gun to your head."
Perhaps the greatest piece of insight on the list. We must all come to terms with our actions, even if they are poor ones. You ate a White Castle Crave Case, you suffer the consequences of a White Castle Crave Case.

Why Die Hard With A Vengeance is amazing.

We can all agree that Die Hard was ground breaking when it first came out, and it kicked all types of ass. Then came Die Hard 2, Die Harder, which had a fun title. I actually don't mind part 2 as much as everyone else does, it was fun, McClane kills someone with an icicle. But when Die Hard 3 hit, it changed my life. I shit you not. This was a film that finally got New York right. I wrote a paper on this film for my screen writing class in Junior High. I wanted to write movies for a living (I don't write movies for a living by the way).
What makes Die Hard 3 so great is it makes its hero use his wits, not just his fists. The problem with Die Hard 4 was that McClane was too much of an action hero. John McClane is just a New York cop, wrong place wrong time. Die Hard 3 shows him struggling, needing help, and oh yeah, saving the day. From the cat and mouse first half to the action filled second half the movie grabs you and never lets you go. McClane is on his home turf and you better believe he is coming out on top.
But the real draw of the movie is the banter between Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Fuck Unbreakable, this is their best film together.
Just a few more reasons why this movie is great: Samuel L. Jackson, Jeremy Irons doing a German accent, everything in the film explodes, henchman getting chopped in half by a cable.
For your enjoyment I present the top 5 quotes from Die Hard With A Vengeance:
5) You mean I'm in this shit because some white cop through some white asshole's brother off a roof?
4) You're a racist, you don't like me because I'm white.
I don't like you because you're going to get me killed!
3) That's right run mutha fucka's the exterminators are here!
2) There's a difference you know between not liking one's brother and not caring when some dumb Irish flatfoot drops him out of a window.
1) Yeah Zeus! You Know, father of Apollo, Mt Olympus, don't fuck with me or I'll shove a lighting bolt up you ass, ZEUS!!! You got a problem with that?

The 5 Worst ST:TNG Guest Appearances

We here at This is Why You Fail hold a few sacred and self-evident truths. Among them is this simple, undeniable fact: Star Trek: The Next Generation is the best series of all Star-prefixed shows, whether it be Wars, Gate, Search, or even its own Trek brethren. Through it's seven year mission, TNG has had some interesting guess appearances by then upcoming and established actors. Sometimes though, their performances are so poor, or presence so jarring, or characters so lame, it would have been for the best if they hadn't boldly gone where no one had gone before..

Comics in the classroom.

So I've been thinking of ways to encourage my students to continue reading. Usually by May they want nothing to do with work of any kind. I'm trying to show them that reading can be fun and cool. What better way to get my point across than putting this up in the classroom...

Topic the first...

Why is the robot lady from Superman 3 so scary?
Seriously, there's not logical explanation for it. The special effects are shit, and it's corny as hell, but damn if it didn't freak me out. You just can't let go of some childhood fears.

WELCOME!

This is a place for those of us who speak our own little language. This is a place where you can stop pretending, and say what you want to say how you want to say it. Simpsons, comics, 80's nostalgia, we're all about it.
Who would win in a fight: Robo Cop or Mr. Freeze? Is Exo Squad the best cartoon of the 90's? What are the merits of time travel? This is a place to discuss these things and more.
Honestly, sometimes people who live their lives loving all things geek just want to unwind and shoot the shit. So this is a place to shoot that shit. Welcome.

Batman is awesome.