Al Pacino's Craziest Rants

Al Pacino is widely regarded as on of the most gifted actors of his generation, with accolades too numerous to name here. It's also widely agreed that sometime after the first two Godfathers and Dog Day Afternoon that he completely lost his shit. For some reason, Al Pacino stopped playing his characters and just played Al Pacino. Gone were subtlety and nuance, and a scenery chewing, overly emoting, rant raving (albeit awesome and highly entertaining) lunatic was born. Here are some of his finest moments.

Greatest Mass Transit Fights Captured on YouTube

For me, there is nothing more entertaining than a good ol' fashioned street fight (so long as I'm not involved in one, which assuredly I would be on the losing end). The only drawbacks of the old knockdown drag out in the streets is thus:

A) It's usually surrounded by a bunch of rowdy gawkers, so actually getting a good view can be difficult.
B) They're usually in constant motion, the *ahem* pugilists are always dancing around with the aforementioned crowd adapting around them, which makes tracking the combatants tricky.
C) They're over in a blink of an eye.

So how do you improve the street fight? Why, move it to a venue oft compared to an inescapable metal tube of course! Where better to prize fight than a public bus or subway? Front row seats for all spectators! Narrow walkways to allow face-to-face bouts! And sealed doors to encourage immediate rematches! Hooray!

It is with great pleasure that I present the three Greatest Mass Transit Fights ever, courtesy of YouTube!

(Que Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful Wold)

Top 10 Batman: The Animated Series Episodes

1) Perchance to Dream

2) Almost Got 'Em

3) Joker's Favor

4) The Demon's Quest Pt. 1 & 2

5) Night of the Ninja/ Day of the Samurai

6) The Laughing Fish

7) Trial

8) His Silicon Soul

9) Over the Edge

10) Pretty Poison

Top 5 comic book artists working today.

5) Andy Kubert

4) Gary Frank

3) J.H. Williams III

2) Frank Quitely

Why your life is better than everybody else's.

Yes, we've all gone through it. At some given point in life, we've all felt like shit and despite how hard you try, seems like nothing can go right. Rest assure, you're fine and things will pick up. Until you can personally and intimately identify with the following folks, know that you've yet to earn the right to claim that your life has hit rock-bottom. These folks have it hard.

Chief Clancy Wiggum.

He attained the rank of Police Commissioner by being handed a badge by a complete stranger (and once again by Homer Simpson); responsible for the leadership of 2 incompetent nitwit officers. Professionally, through Chief Wiggum's jagged and controversial views on law enforcement, he cannot seem to detain the town's only repeat criminal for more than 2 hours. His personal life is not that much better. Clancy retires after work to Sarah Wiggum, his (unconfirmed but come on...) wife-sister, and his only child's who's future involves chasing his own fictitious tail in a padded cell. Although Clancy seems to have accepted his pending fate, I would not want to live his life.


Steven Rhodes.

This man endured the charisma and downright bully-ish nature of male sitcom super-star Al Bundy only to go home to a bossy and physically repulsive Marcy at night. Steve abandoned his vicious cycle lifestyle and become a federal fugitive for stealing the egg of an endangered bird which led to his subsequent arrest, only to become a limo driving lackey. I'm sure none of our lives are as bad as Steve's.


Someone without access to regular television.
How else would you compare how much better your life is to?


Joey Grecco.
The guy that hosts and instigates all the marital peep show we call "Cheaters." At first glance, it's probably a pretty cool job. He's got a team of 'investigators,' instigates fights between fledgling partners but at the end of the day Joey probably got his face punched in a few times, is not going home with any of the girls, and probably gets all kinds of threatening calls from those him and his team were investigating. All this to start all over again in the morning. No thank you, sir.


Anyone professionally or emotionally attached to the Chicago Cubs.
Sorry you will never win. So long as this picture exists on the internet, you will never win. Never.

Hope this brings a bit of therapy to every reader's lives. Cheers.

5 best and worst characters from Lost

Worst:

5) John Locke: What a fucking idiot.  This man was a loser his whole life and got suckered into thinking he had some kind of purpose. Almost every decision he ever made led to something bad happening. "Boone, go check out that plane!" "Let's look down this hatch!" "Let's hide at the Others complex, we'll be safe there." What an asshole.

4) Nikki and Paolo: Never try and introduce new characters and then try an make believe they were always there.  Actress stripper, murder mystery involving diamonds? Nope, not buying it.

3) Kate: I hate this woman. All she does is bitch and get herself into trouble.  She keeps two different men on a hook and gets them into to trouble.  Kate never listens to what she's told to do. Bah, everyone that gets close to her ends up hurt. Also, she steals other peoples kids! I could forgive all that if she wasn't such a bore, she's just so boring.

2) Boone and Shannon: Siblings who slept together.

1) Anna Lucia: Oooooh! I'm a tough cop who doesn't need anyone.  I kill innocent people, I'm tortured but I try to act hot.  I like Jack but I slept with Sawyer. I took a bribe from Hurely. I'm a very annoying character who has a talent for pissing people off. Anna Lucia, I just don't like you.


Best:

John Locke: Possibly even more than Jack this man was the driving force of the show.  His sense of belief propelled the stories to where they needed to be.  No one can express the pure range of emotions that John Locke can.  His is the classic tragic tale, a man trying to make sense of his life and trying to do the right thing.

4) Hugo Reyes: Is there any more likable character on TV that Hurley?  Throughout 6 seasons Hurley reminded us to laugh even in the darkest of times.  His time travel debate with Miles is one of the high points of the series.

3) Benjamin Linus: Everyone loves the bad guy.  Here is someone who should be a nerd, but is one of the most dangerous people on the show. He killed John Locke! Forget the Man in Black, Lost's ultimate villian is Ben Linus.

2) Sawyer: Everyone loves the scoundrel because you always are rooting for them to be better than they are.  James Ford grew from a con man to a leader, but he was always the man with a plan.  He slept with four cast regulars and is a cop in the alternate reality.  His nick names are fun and he curses a lot, honestly what more do you need?

5 Pieces of Advice from Det. Alonzo Harris That We Can All Live By

Yoda, Mr. Miyagi, the crazy midget lady from Poltergeist. These wise sages have managed to infiltrate our daily lives with their deeply philosophical anecdotes. Here then, I humbly submit for your approval: Detective Alonzo Harris from the movie Training Day, and his Buddha-esque insights. No other corrupt LA cop has said so much using so few words. Here are 5 haiku-like quotes that have profound everyday applications:

"It behooves you not to dick around on this one."
Take this list seriously! In fact, it should probably replace the 10 Commandments.
"You got mad squabbles boy! I saw you put on that choke hold."
Because sometimes you'll have to cheat to win, even more so if you're dumb enough to pick a fight.
"The shit's chess, it ain't checkers!"
Who among us has never found themselves in way over our heads? These six little words perfectly summarizes this predicament and what must be done to overcome it.
"You wanna go to jail or you wanna go home?"
This pretty much explains itself. Better yet, as soon as you see a police officer, immediately run in the other direction. When they finally taze you down, slap cuffs on you and ask why you ran in the first place, just claim that you were "scared."
"You made the decision. Live with your decision. Ain't like I put a gun to your head."
Perhaps the greatest piece of insight on the list. We must all come to terms with our actions, even if they are poor ones. You ate a White Castle Crave Case, you suffer the consequences of a White Castle Crave Case.

The 5 Worst ST:TNG Guest Appearances

We here at This is Why You Fail hold a few sacred and self-evident truths. Among them is this simple, undeniable fact: Star Trek: The Next Generation is the best series of all Star-prefixed shows, whether it be Wars, Gate, Search, or even its own Trek brethren. Through it's seven year mission, TNG has had some interesting guess appearances by then upcoming and established actors. Sometimes though, their performances are so poor, or presence so jarring, or characters so lame, it would have been for the best if they hadn't boldly gone where no one had gone before..