Decision 2010: ...And America Flips a Coin

It's Election Day folks! So get out there and cast your ballot for your favorite corrupt congressional, gubernatorial or mayoral candidate!

Me? I voted for Kodos.

All Quiet On The Western Front

It's been a while since the blog has been updated, so here's a requisite entry. Another sun sets on our beloved city of NYC, and all is right with the world as far as our vengeful God allows. Hey God, chill the fuck out, k? I'm off the wagon by the way, off the wagon HARD. So where are my peeps? Here's an official shout out to my boys FordhamBatman and IToTheC and my girl Brandine:

YO, WHERE YOU AT?

I  will NOT be satisfied until we have a Beastie Boys' Sabotage-esque roll-call, complete with aviator sunglasses, short sleeve shirts with ties, shaggy-wigs and Magnum PI mustaches (Dibs on Cochise!).

O casual alcoholism, how did you suddenly transform into RAGING ALCOHOLISM?

30 Days Smoke Free!

I wish I had a smoke. Oh God, how I miss smoking!

The Dark Knight in 25 words...

Weird Joker music. Bank robbery. Batman goes to Hong Kong. The Joker kills a bunch of people. Harvey becomes Two-Face. Joker hangs upside down. Fin.

Inception in 25 words...

Leo in a dream within a dream.  Leo has to plant an idea in a guys mind to see his kids again.  More dream stuff.

Empire Strikes Back in 25 words...

Hoth. Luke gets beat up. TaunTaun. I thought these things smelled bad on the outside. Lea kisses her brother. Cloud city. I am your father.

Poll: Favorite Indiana Jones Movie

I can honestly say that I learned more about history watching the Indiana Jones trilogy (yes, trilogy) than in my formal education. Who were the bad guys in WWII? The Nazis. Who were the good guys in WWII? The good ol' US of A, those guys who talked like James Bond and the man who single-handedly won the war for the Allies: Indiana Mother-Fucking Jones.

Of his THREE films, my favorite happens to be the dark horse of the lot, Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. Sure it may be a controversial choice but what it lacks in face melting Nazi goodness, it makes up for in the only non-annoying child sidekick in the history of cinema; the one, the only, Wan Li, aka SHORT ROUND!

What more can you ask for in a buddy while on the hunt for fortune and glory? He drives (badly), knows kung-fu, cheats at cards, burns little Indian boys with torches for kicks, and isn't afraid to openly profess his love for you when you've been poisoned with will-breaking dark blood! That movie should have been called 

Short Round and The Temple of Doom Filled With Insane Cultists Who's Asses He Kicks

So which of Dr. Henry Jones Jr.'s adventures is your favorite? Vote on the poll in the sidebar and tell us why in the comments!

Batman in 25 words...

Gotham City. I'm Batman. Jack Napier. The Joker. Wait'll they get a load of me. Random Prince songs. Joker shoots down Batwing. Batman beats Joker.

5 books I recommend for summer reading...

Summer is half over but there is still plenty of reading time left.  Here are some books of varied interest to pick up.

Eaters of the Dead: Not a well known Micheal Crichton book but engrossing non the less.  The story takes place in the time of Vikings.  An Arab ambassador has to accompany a group of Viking warriors to battle an ancient evil.  Excellent read.
The Day of the Jackal: This is actually my all time favorite book.  Based in 1960's Europe, a radical French group has hired an assassin code named The Jackal to kill Charles De Gual.  You will not be able to put this book down!  If suspense has a name, it's The Day of the Jackal.
The Broker:  I'm not normally a fan of John Grisham but this book has a interesting plot.  Basically this broker who was part of all these shady deals is sent to lay low in an Italian city by the U.S. government.  The characters are interesting but what makes the book go is accounts of trying to blend in and disappear in a foreign city.
On Her Majesty's Secret Service:  It was a pretty good Bond film but it is an excellent Bond book.  Bond hits his emotional breaking point while battling his arch nemeses.  Great actions scenes, excellently paced.
Thor: Vikings:  This is an amazing graphic novel, fun from start to finish.  Thor gets beat up by Vikings, then he travels through time to get help to fight said Vikings.

Star Wars in 25 words...

Empire attacks ship. Gay droids escape to Tatiooine. Meet gay Luke Skywalker. Obi-Wan in a gay voice: "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

The Rocketeer...

I love this film. It really have to say it is close to being a perfect movie. It has everything you could want, 30's noir, Nazis, evil Timothy Dalton, hot Jennifer Connely, and a rocket!

My Children's Book (in progress)...

So I had this idea for a children's book. The basic gist is that a girl named Penny wants to grow up to become a dollar. Here are a few early designs for characters: Penny, Nickel, Dime, and Quarter.

Move Along, Nothing to See Here...

... EXCEPT FOR THESE CLOWNS!

I'm in the process of relocating, so my posts will be few and far in between.

In the meantime, I'll leave it to fordambatman and I to the C to hold down the fort.

Enemies

I present to you my new mortal enemy. I hate you.

Snakes On A Plane in 13 words...

That's it! I've had it with these muthafucking snakes on this muthafucking plane!

Best to Worst Star Trek movies...

1) Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan
The one with Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!
2) Star Trek: First Contact
The one with the Borg.
3) Star Trek
The one with an alternate reality.
4) Star Trek 6: The Undiscovered Country
The one where they make peace with the Kingons.
5) Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock
The one where Spock comes back to life.
6) Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home
The one with whales.
7) Star Trek: Generations
The one where Kirk dies.
8) Star Trek: Nemesis
The one with the evil clone of Picard.
9) Star Trek: Insurrection
The one with F. Murray Abraham.
10) Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier
The one where they go camping.
11) Star Trek: The Motion Picture
The one that's boring.

Pet peeve of the day...

Proper etiquette for public transportation usage...
What the hell is wrong with some people? Two things have really been bothering me lately.
1) At any subway stop in Chinatown, why do Asians not let you get off the fucking train before trying to enter it? Seriously, without fail for the last 2 months every time I have tried to get off the train at Chinatown there has been a wave of incoming Asians blocking my path. Even though the train car is empty. It's like they have to push past me just to make sure they get to one of the 20 seats available. Bah! Learn some fucking manners!
2) Why do older people think they are entitled to skip to the front of every line? Why is it when you are standing in line for a bus and its a good 10 people long do old people think they can come in at the last minute and skip to the front? It's so fucking rude, it's not like someone's not going to give up their seat for them anyway. It is an abuse of power, plain and simple!

The Rainbow Raider...

This guy is amazing! He's an old DC Comics villain.

From Wikipedia:

As child, Roy G. Bivolo always dreamed of a career as an artist, a lofty goal considering he was completely colorblind. He would often paint what he thought were beautiful pieces of art, only to be told that it was made up of clashing colors. His father, an optometrist and genius in optical technology, swore he would find a cure for his son's disorder. Due to failing health, he was unable to complete his product, but instead created a sophisticated pair of goggles that would allow Roy to create beams of solid rainbow-colored light. On his death-bed, his father presents him with this gift, and it wasn't long before Roy found a sinister use for it.

Turning to crime because the world didn't appreciate his art, Roy, now the Rainbow Raider, went on a crime spree focused mostly on art galleries, saying that if he couldn't appreciate the great works of art in them (due to his disability), no one else would.

Awesome baby names...

So it is a great day, one of our illustrious contributors is going to be having a baby!!! That means it's time to name the child. Some suggestions:
1) McClane
2) Xerxes
3) The Thing
4) C. Montgomery
5) Jean-Luc
6) Megatron
7) Bo
8) Freight-Train
9) Mason
10) Kurt Russell

Thoughts, suggestions?

Star Trek: First Contact in 25 words...

Picard has a bad dream. The Borg! Enterprise goes back in time. The Borg Queen! The line must be drawn here! Enterprise saves the future.

Regarding Baseball...

PREAMBLE:

The Yankees (and baseball in general) lost two larger than life personalities this week:

PA Announcer Bob Sheppard

The Boss George Steinbrenner

You will be missed.

RANT:

 So the All-Star game is going through the motions of introductions and ceremonies, until it comes to a screeching halt when Joe Buck announces the People Magazine's Hometown All-Stars.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I feel bad for the players on the field that have to stand and watch as Julia Fucking Roberts and Matthew Fucking Mcconaughey babbles on about some bullshit their agents thought was a worthy cause. That's pretty bad but then good ol' Joe Buck proceeds to introduce the cast of FUCKING Glee to sing a shitty cover of Christina FUCKING Aguilera's BEAUTIFUL.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK?

Let me repeat that. The cast of FUCKING Glee sings Beautiful by Christina Aguilera in front of a bunch of major league All-Stars.

WHO'S FUCKING IDEA IS THIS?

I'm half expecting the players to wear dresses and bonnets when they take the field. Although, I'm pretty sure I see Dustin Pedroia in a skirt as he prepares to spend the entire game riding the pine. Dick.

PS - Go AL!

1st Ranked Yankees Loses to 12th Ranked Mariners

And here's why:

Thank you very F*CKING much Mr. Chamberlain.

The Many Faces of Will Ferrell!

Will Ferrell. Perhaps one of the best comedy actors of our generation, not for the movies that he made, (granted some of them were horrible) but rather for the roles he played. I will now attempt to piece together his top qualities to make the ultimate role model.

Chazz Rhienhold.
Innovator. Showed us it's okay not to be invited to weddings but also the joys of funerals, which are apparently 'an aphrodisiac.'

Ron Burgundy.

Cool. I just like the way he rolls. "Scotch. Scotch. Scotch. Straight down my belly." He also showed us it's okay to talk and fully understand the language of random dog barking.

Chazz Michaels Michael.

Masculinity. The ultimate man's man in an otherwise homosexual world. Exemplifies toughness through not giving a crap about anything.

Brennan Huff.
Youth. It's okay to never grow up. Even when you're pushing 40.

Frank 'the Tank' Ricard.
Friend. He will do anything for a friend. From debating to sustaining 3rd degree burns, Frank is there for you.

Ricky Bobby.
Dedication. When NASCAR (including life in general) gives you the ultimate finger, Ricky fights his way back to the top, all to defeat the dirty French. Don't forget the cougar. Yes, there was a freaking cougar in the car.

Kingpin in 25 words...

Bowling. Roy Munson. Ernie McCraken. Roy's hand gets cut off. Ishmael. You must have a wide foot, you got both of them. Tournament. McCraken wins.

The Many Face of Me.

With all the crap reality television Hollywood is putting I often wonder how well an show about me would fare. Not being trained or even at all interested in acting, I would have to cast an appropriate actor to be my proxy.

NEEDED FOR IMMEDIATE HIRE:
Oft-drunk Asian malcontent actor for a reality show about an Asian loser who sits in a cubical all day. Must be willing to compromise his own dignity for show's sake. Show not intended to last 3 episodes. Payment will be in cartons of Navajo Indian reservation brand cigarettes and McDonald's coupons.

Here's who I wish will show up for the audition. (I.e. those I will personally send this ad to direct.) I think each of the below has the unique skills required to play me.

Choice 1: Ken Jeong.

Choice 2: Pat Morita. (If he was still alive.)



Choice 3: Warren the Ape.

TWYFer's, who would you cast to play you?

Any Given Sunday in 25 words...

Rooney goes down. Beaman steps up. I'm gonna be pickin' peanuts outcha ass! Beaman's cocky. You a king in your own mind bitch. Beaman's humbled.

Missoura? Lax Gun Laws?

Ask and you shall receive. (Refer to 21 June posting entitled "Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!!!")

For all you TWYFer's, let me begin by saying that I've been a nomad since the age of 18; between the years of 26-28 I resided in the great state of Missouri. It was a great place to live. Oddly enough, Missouri is a place where all of our childhood dreams can come true.

How? A contributing member of TWYF can attest to the rock bottom pricing for cigarettes, in fact if I remember correctly, he came home with a few cartons taped to his chest to escape airport detection. Another contributor gambled himself silly in one of many St Louis casinos, once telling the dealer he wanted to hit on 21. I nearly (if not for the whole being married thing) purchased an military grade M-16 rifle and a World War II M1 rifle in the same week.

How about an 'merican built pick up truck? Everyone in Missouri has one. You're probably now asking, "well... If I buy a truck, then I surely won't have the money to buy an assault rifle too." My friends, don't fret! Roll the tape:

Oh Missouri. How I miss thee...

Al Pacino's Craziest Rants

Al Pacino is widely regarded as on of the most gifted actors of his generation, with accolades too numerous to name here. It's also widely agreed that sometime after the first two Godfathers and Dog Day Afternoon that he completely lost his shit. For some reason, Al Pacino stopped playing his characters and just played Al Pacino. Gone were subtlety and nuance, and a scenery chewing, overly emoting, rant raving (albeit awesome and highly entertaining) lunatic was born. Here are some of his finest moments.

Jaws in 25 words...

Naked swimmer gets eaten. Chief discovers: Shark Attack! Shark kills more people. Quint tries to kill the shark. Shark kills Quint. Chief blows up shark.

Greatest Mass Transit Fights Captured on YouTube

For me, there is nothing more entertaining than a good ol' fashioned street fight (so long as I'm not involved in one, which assuredly I would be on the losing end). The only drawbacks of the old knockdown drag out in the streets is thus:

A) It's usually surrounded by a bunch of rowdy gawkers, so actually getting a good view can be difficult.
B) They're usually in constant motion, the *ahem* pugilists are always dancing around with the aforementioned crowd adapting around them, which makes tracking the combatants tricky.
C) They're over in a blink of an eye.

So how do you improve the street fight? Why, move it to a venue oft compared to an inescapable metal tube of course! Where better to prize fight than a public bus or subway? Front row seats for all spectators! Narrow walkways to allow face-to-face bouts! And sealed doors to encourage immediate rematches! Hooray!

It is with great pleasure that I present the three Greatest Mass Transit Fights ever, courtesy of YouTube!

(Que Louis Armstrong's What a Wonderful Wold)

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!!!

So I've come to the realization that we here at TIWYF and our core audience (shout out to THORNER!) are all pushing thirty years of age, and thus, rapidly reaching a milestone in our emotionally under-developed lives.

As I celebrated my 29th b-day alone in the dark with one hand cradling a giant bottle of Jack (shout out to MAKU!), the other hand ashing a smoke (shout out to I TO THE C!), and my lips wrapped around the barrel of a .38 revolver (shout out to Missoura's lax gun laws!), I had an epiphany of sorts.

Our blog must change, as we have changed! But how you ask? Will it evolve to cover more topical and mature subject matter? Will we, as contributors offer more honesty and insight within our posts? Will even a single post be relevant anyone's interests outside our own? Well, I feel comfortable speaking for my fellow contributors when I say this:

HELL NO!

So how has the blog changed? Bigger fonts for your old-man eyes to read! More graphics to recapture your dwindling attention span! A slightly modified format courtesy of some guy named Josh Peterson!

So pardon our dust while we continue to tweak our appearance...

Super Heroes Unite

Simple questions. We've all pondered this in the past (or current).

1) What super human power would you want most?
2) What would your super-hero (villain) name be?


Me?

1) First, I would like the super human power of teleportation. It would be incredible to witness history unfolding before my eyes perhaps using this power for the benefit of mankind. I'd also like to match this power with invisibility. This attribute would have no bearing to the benefit of mankind, I just want to be able to look at naked attractive women undetected.

2) Captain Chewy the Defender.

You?

Top 10 Batman: The Animated Series Episodes

1) Perchance to Dream

2) Almost Got 'Em

3) Joker's Favor

4) The Demon's Quest Pt. 1 & 2

5) Night of the Ninja/ Day of the Samurai

6) The Laughing Fish

7) Trial

8) His Silicon Soul

9) Over the Edge

10) Pretty Poison